I have a cold, it sucks.

I feel like a fat fucking sloppy piece of shit.
I don't know why, but for some reason turning 21 means you leave your awesome teen body and have an impossible adult body.  It realllly pisses me the fuck off.
So... I guess I will have to just work out even more, I am not going to give up, haha, that's the last thing I am going to do. I read in my cosmo that you can't just diet or not eat and do cardio bc then you'll be 'fat skinny' you need to tone up too. Ughh so I have to do like push ups and shit. 
I feel like I look like a 30 yr old mom. good god, I have a lot of work to do!

 I had a hard and tiring week. And it's Friday, and here I sit, still tired. My desire to be thin takes over my whole life. I am always so tired, and I don't feel like doing things I normally do, because I don't take food in to give me energy. I am hoping that my body will get used to it, I just started pushing myself really hard this week.
ADDERALL is my favorite, but I have been taking it for too many days in a row, so it has lost its usual feeling. I'm just not going to take it for a couple of days, and see how that works.
SO... usually on the WEEKEND I am so excited to get out of  work and do my hair and make up and go out to the bars... but, I felt differently all week. And, today I still do not feel like it at all. It kind of bothers me that I don't, but I know it's also a good thing... because I am giving my hair, face, liver, WAISTLINE(alcohol=tuns of cals), wallet, and liver a break.
Oh, and UGH, I took waayyy too much DXM this morning for my cold, I feel so fucking drained and dizzy, but, my food intake is SMALL, and my weight is DROPPING. I have been doing pushups and crunches daily :O).
Hmm, so I guess I have to find out what else there is to do on weekends when drinking isn't involved....

 Adderall is the shit.
Until you've taken it for way too many days in a row.

 It's been a long time since I've been on my livejournal.
I finally got the internet at my apartment, so I am happy :O).
Okay so lately I have started getting extreme about losing weight. I was doing my usual stuff before, but I hit a plateau, and was staying my same pathetic weight. So, I have reaaaalllllly gotten serious about  getting as small as possible, my intake is mainly water and veggies. I go as long as I can with out eating and then eat a small amount to keep me feeling some what okay. My only problem is I end up having zero energy AND act like a huge bitch, I am so not myself when I am like this.
BUT to see my bones when I look in the mirror makes it all worth it.
I see my hipbones again, and I almost have all of that nasty side fat gone, my ribs are back and I can pretty much see my chest bones. It's so addicting. I just love to watch myself shrink and watch the weight on the scale go down.
Being skinny and not eating is the BEST thing in the world.
People eat so much food and think it's great, but to me it's something I'd rather not do. I don't need to stuff my face all day just bc something tastes good. fuck that, Id much rather LOOK good.
Oh ugh, which brings me to another thing... I went tanning today in a stand up, and almost fainted, I had to sit down in the stand up tanner lol. It was shitty, but I was okayyy I got out and chugged a bunch of water, so now I am tanner and hydrated, and on my way to being skinnier.

oh and the new kitty my b/f got me, demands way too much attention.

This has been the hardest/weirdest week of my entire life.
Making it even harder to stay under 300 calories today.
I think it's the time/weather change that gives me all of this fatigue. .. I pretty much have felt lifeless all week. I HATE THAT.
Getting on the tredmill and running has been my favorite thing to do lately besides sleep. I love running, pushing my body to the limit... feeling so proud of myself if I make it as far as I hoped I would (which I always do).... then I get off and do as many crunches as I can until I feel like I am going to puke. I actually just got off the tredmill and got done with crunches, I have a head ache now though, and feel like sleeping.
I Want perfection, I need it. I will starve and work out until I get there. I will drink tons of water...
I can't just let myself go.. I am better than that!

This weekend...
aghh, I don't know what to do. I could go out with my friends and party.. but alcohol will just add a ton of calories. I don't need the bloating and weight gain. I have also been so tired all week, (and sick) I don't know if going out is such a good idea.
But, then again, I feel like if I sit around all weekend and go back to work on Monday that I will be even MORE miserable... plus I hate staying in with my parents having all of their friends over drinking. aghhh... what to do?

OKay. First thing first: I have never put a picture of MYSELF on live journal. Maybe one day. But I am too afraid some one might see it that knows me, and I don't want anyone figuring out that I have a problem.
TODAY is going GOOD so far.
I have had 370 cals and it's 1 pm... I am allowed 500 today.
I have already burned about 500 cals today, so that's good.
Today so far I ate
B- 1/2cup of cottage cheese (110 calories) and an apple (about 60 cals)
S- cheese stick (80 cals)
L- can of chicken noodle soup- (120 calories)  <-- I put extra water to make more soup without any added calories... filled me up really well.
Total so far- 370
and then I will not eat until dinner which.. my mom is making some mexican chilli... I will only have a very small portion.. which will probably keep me under 500 calories... considering I will be running later too!
I weighed myself a little bit ago, I am at 132. Thank god, the weight IS dropping. I bet it's because I stopped with the sleeping pills, those are so bad for your weight.
I am close to my first goal of 130.. yay :OD

Bad news... I had to leave work early today because I felt so sick and tired and weak... No good. I know that my body will get used to the lack of food, I will just need more rest and lots more water, maybe some vitamins. Tomorrow, I am only allowed 300 calories. SO.. I need to some how keep my strength at the same time.

I seriously suck so fucking bad.
It's like, I am scared to gain weight... so I don't eat.
THEN... I am scared to get sick once I start feeling weird (bc I got so sick before) so I DO eat.
I am still huge.
Still in the 130s. fucking sick.
why can't I be like I used to be? what the fuck? I am huge.
AS punishment for my obese like habbits this past weekend... I am going to do 1,000 crunches tonight.
YES... 1,000.

I feel much better today.
I lost 2 more pounds, I look a lot better.
I think i was just retaining water yesterday.
halloween shall be fun

IM FAT IM FAT IM FAT IM FAT IM HUGE I FUCKING SUCK.
I am fucking 5'8 and I weigh fucking 132...
I used to starve myself for days and be fine, but now.. I can barely make one day.
I LOOK HUGE.. I have a weird looking ass, and my thighs are almost touching. I was going to go out for halloween until I saw my fat ass trying to look cute in a tiny costume. ALL I CAN FUCKING DO IS CRY NOW. I look like shit. I am so fucking fat. I will never fucking be skinny. I need to just give up. I used to look good pretty and tiny... then I let myself go. WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT? It's like it's impossible to get back to my old self... I have been starving myself for 2 weeks now and I AM STILL HUGE.. I lost like.. 2 pounds. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

I think the hardest thing about not eating is night time.
Trying to fall asleep as your body begs you to feed it... laying there starving, just parying to fall asleep and forget.
AGH. You'd think my body would be TIRED from me not feeding it, and crave SLEEP for fuel?
I just don't get it, I hope my body can for once in my life... get used to sleeping on an empty stomach.

Ahh okay, so I did quite well all week.
I barely ate ANYTHING, and on Friday, I ate NOTHING but 2 pickle slices and a bite of chicken.
Still, my weight has me depressed.
I went out Friday, but I was insecure the whole time. I felt HUGE... my hips felt so wide, I just felt like I was walking around with a TIRE around my waist.
All of my friends were talking about girls we know... how skinny and great they look, and it's true those girls do, but I feel like I am no where close.
I feel HUGE.
I lost control Saturday and Sunday. I feel like I ate a lot. I am not at all happy about it.
It's been one week and I only feel a tiny but smaller.
I have to keep working at it, but I just feel like I did so much better last time.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Agh, well, I am at 133, which is huge. I hate my size right now.
I need to get my body TONED...
I need to exercise.
WHERE will I EVER get the energy for exercise, when I leave work TIRED AS FUCK? Especially with out eating, I am even more tired.
Ughh,,

Okay, I am obviously doing everything RIGHT.
I am at 132 :OD.
Yeah, I was doing really bad, AND had my period...
this week has been nothing but water, working out, and eating 1 small thing a day.
Today I just had a little stir fry of veggies and rice.
Yesterday a smallll bowl of stew with carrots only.
I know I can do this, I need to be thin,
my water weight is gone, and I feel much better, but no where near good enough.

I can't believe that I am back where I started last year.
Well actually, last year at this time, I was way skinnier.
I didn't even realize how careless I was being, until I looked at myself in the mirror this weekend before going out, and saw how huge I looked in my cute outfits. I didn't like myself at all, I looked like a whale.
SO, I instantly ran to my computer to look at old pictures of myself... HUGE difference. I felt like shit, and realized it is time I do something.

I thought back to how I used to live each day.
I restricted so so much.
WAY WAY more than I have been.
If the me last year, saw me this year, and what I have been eating, I would punch me in the face.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.
RULES.
1. NO SUGAR. Absolutely NONE... sugar is the number one cause of weight gain. I wont even eat a 'fun size' anything. And I will only drink water, power zero, or fuze slenderize, anything else is un called for.
2. NO EATING after 7:00 pm.
3. Breakfast and Dinner only (and in SMALL PORTIONS) only because family sees me at these times.
4. treadmill and crunches... a lot of them.
5. Lean meats, fruits, vegies only.
6. FASTING whenever possible.

I will think of more rules later.
This is MY BODY, this is how I present myself, this is what people notice first about me, and I have been letting it go : O(.
I have become a 21 year old cow. I can't believe this. I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate what I see in the shower. MY MAIN PROBLEM right now is: stomach, hips, thighs.

ugh I miss being like this. I love her, I want to be like her.

SO. TODAY I ATE:
B-1 bowl of cereal with skim milk.
L-Nothing
D- 1 piece of chicken (small), corn, small amount of noodles.
I know, the noodles part is bad. aghh..
I even had yogurt today too when i got out of work.
OBVIOUSLY I am not being serious enough about this. Tomorrow will be a better day.
<3

I will admit it.
I went down hill.
Hugely.
I had way too much to worry about in my life, and way too much stress to care about my weight.
It's like for a while there, I lost touch completely with being thin thin thin.
Everything around me was collapsing, so I just ate like a normal person, which is weird, because usually I would do the opposite.
The worst part of the story is, I did this for months. i think turning 21 really hurt my weight. I drank like no other for a few weekends, it really affected my looks.
My weight is at a whopping 136.
I even stepped on the scale one day and saw 140. (water weight from period)
But still.
My weight has me so depressed, how could I let this happen?
I am 5'8, and I still have a gut.
YES, a gut.
OMG.
I was down to 115.
Look at me now.
I fucking relapsed,
I have to start back over all the way at the beginning..
This is horrible.
I will stop at nothing to be tiny and cute again.
Treadmill runs will take place daily.
And what I eat is going to be so so so regulated.

Ugh, I just want my hair to grow.
I keep taking hair pills.
I keep cutting every split end I see.
I know that only time can help it, and it sucks.

I want to tell the world to never ever put hair extensions in their hair.
Why?
1. Once you wear them, you can't stop.
2. This is bad because you will ruin your hair horribly.
3. You go broke... because they aren't cheap! And I even did them the 'cheap' way.

I am eating more. I don't want to be super skinny and then have horrible hair on top of it.
 I am basically spending time on making myself happy with everything on my body, not just my waist size.
If I starve myself... yes I will be skinny, but then everything else will just look awful.
I hate it, I strive for perfection, and it takes just so much work and patience.

I took this entry off.... way too personal.

I have decided to work as much as possible...
and not go out at all.
This will help me save money, and give me plenty of time to get drastically skinny.
I will also be able to grow my hair long and fix it... since I fucked it up.
THEN, when I have a lot of money, I am skinnier, I have better hair, I will go out again, and suprise the fuck out of every one, and myself. Results don't come fast, you have to work for them and be patient, and I am finally willing to do that.
SO I guess I will be on live journal a lot more, considering my time will be spent at home when I am not at work.

My life... is fucked up.
How come no one ever talks about the severe depression and pain that comes with all of this :O(

ANYWAY.
CURRENT STATS:
H: 5'8
CW: 125
1GW :120
2GW:115

Then I will go from there.
EACH DAY... I eat less.
Coffee and Sugar free redbulls are my everything.
I work alllll day long and I don't eat shit.
At least I am losing weight each day, that's keeping me happy..
but my moods are un-controllable. I broke up with my boyfriend (again) today... but he's so psycho. He doesn't ever let me hang out with friends, and he puts rules on my life, and if I don't feel like coming over... he freaks out on me. errrggh.
Just took sleeping pills 30 min ago, can't wait to just pass out for the night.

I wont stop until I am there.